No... Those won't get you any beads. Really, put 'em away now. Please.

As we prepare for our annual Mardi-Grass parade, I'm forced to reflect on the whole nature of the "parade" itself. Each year there is a parade specifically designed for drunk people, and those who like to spectate drunk people. Each year we are a part of this parade. We ride on a float, which is only a float in the sense that its being pulled by a truck in a parade. It's really nothing more than a flatbed 18 wheeler with make-shift railings to keep every one from falling off and on to the moving pavement below. This "float" is equipped with all the amenities necessary for a successful Mardi-Grass parade. I've taken the time to list those amenities below.

1. Multiple kegs of beer.
2. A Johnny-On-The-Spot. (The beer has to go somewhere)
   

To top it all off, the "float" is "decorated" to match whatever the theme is for that year. Albeit, the decorations are usually "bolted" on the float by drunks the morning of the parade.

At the beginning of the parade each "float" is allotted a couple crates of beads to be distributed to the masses along the parade route. The beads are like crack to the crowds of spectators watching the parade. They can't get enough. They want the beads. They need the beads. We then, provide the beads. A sort of drug dealer parade for the crowd of jonesing addicts.

The fact that this parade is children friendly, there are kids of all ages along the parade route, doesn't detour the overly addicted "bead-whores" from offering up an extra "payment" to secure themselves a larger quantity of beads. These "bead-whores" often let certain body parts go unclothed in an effort to acquire extra beads. Often this happens with young children standing right next to them, or in direct view of said body parts.

Now, this wouldn't be all that bad if the aforementioned "bead-whores" were in fact somewhat attractive, or even had teeth for that matter. The fact that they are ugly and standing next to young impressionable minds is just too much to handle.

So my message to you: If you're older than 25, missing teeth, and have a "boyfriend" who is either in jail or on probation... keep 'em tucked away. Better yet, stay your ass in the trailer. The future leaders of this country don't need to see that, and quite frankly, neither do I. On the other hand, if you're a somewhat attractive pre-twenty-five-year-old (post-eighteen-year-old) I'm willing to make an exception.